Haunted by a shot I didn’t take
Many thanks for your patience with my limited blogging and photos while I’m in India. As I’ve mentioned before, our Internet connection at the hotel is painfully slow so uploading photos has been virtually impossible. Having said that, I wanted to give you some updates on what we’ve been doing and a few moments of introspection…
Yesterday, Saturday, we traveled to Mysore which is a couple hours outside Bangalore. It was a long drive but totally worth it. Mysore is pretty incredible. We went to the top of Chamundi Hill where we visited a temple and got a great view of the town below. After that, we ate lunch in a very lavish hotel/palace looking place. Being here almost made you feel like you took a trip back in time to British India. I decided to eat a little more conservatively since my stomach was slightly upset.
After lunch, we traveled to Mysore Palace. A very impressive building. Upon entering the palace grounds, I was told that I had to leave my camera in their “camera room” since photography was prohibited inside the palace itself. Haha… Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen. So, they told me that I could walk around the palace grounds but could not go inside. Not a problem. That gave me a chance to wander around for an hour or two while my coworkers went inside.
Despite the huge palace, I felt like I was actually the top tourist attraction. I was approached at least 10-15 times to pose for a photo with people. I’m guessing large white men with cameras are still somewhat of a novelty here.
It’s very… exciting to wander around a place with people that are so different. It’s a weird mix of nervousness and adrenaline. The looks you get from people are amazing. As a rough estimate, I’d say about 40% of people were looking at me very suspiciously almost as if they were ready to attack me for being there. Another 50% stared at me (and the camera) with sheer wonder and fascination like I was from another planet. Finally, the last 10% looked like they were extremely happy that I was there. And, of that, about 5% of the young ladies looked and smiled at me almost as if they were immediately infatuated with me and would follow me anywhere. It’s quite amazing.
After the palace, we simply went into town and walked around for a couple hours. The town reminded me very much of Nablus, albeit with many more people and traffic. After we stopped for some coffee, our driver picked us up for the long drive back to Bangalore.
This morning, I slept in a little bit and left the hotel around 11 with my manager to go get a bite to eat at a fancy hotel. After this, we met up with some of our Indian colleagues to do some shopping on Brigade Road and Commercial Street. I was feeling a little light-headed so I actually ended up going back to the hotel early to get some rest in preparation for some classes I have to teach this week.
Which brings me to something that’s bothering me…
I didn’t take too many photos today but there was one photo opportunity I ended up missing almost as soon as we arrived on Brigade Road. While we were standing in front of the KFC (our designated meeting spot), a young boy no older than 11 was sitting on the sidewalk with a young girl no more than 4 or 5 laying across his lap. She was either sleeping or completely unconscious. Both were dirty and barefoot from what must have been days of begging on the street. He looked at us more than a few times motioning with his hand to his mouth, asking for money or food or both.
For a few minutes, I alternated between being entranced to averting my eyes out of shame. I wanted the shot. I wanted to help. Unfortunately, I did neither. It’s very easy to get caught up and “go with the flow”. All of the locals and people on the street walk by this sight without so much as a glance. I hesitated long enough that, before I knew it, we were about a block or two away and I had, effectively, lost the chance.
Now, I can’t get that boy out of my head. I don’t know exactly what I should have done. Should I have simply given him some money and sat down on the street a few feet away and start shooting? Is that really helping? I know that photojournalists often justify shooting situations like by saying “they’re telling their story”. I generally believe that but it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when presented with this kind of situation. Telling their story to who? Is that photo going to save this kid’s life? No. In fact, it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference to his life. The only benefit I can see is that it would have simply been a powerful shot for my portfolio and I feel selfish because I can’t stop kicking myself for not taking it.
There’s a line in the musical Miss Saigon that says:
“Christ, I am American, how could I fail to do good…”
That sums up a lot of how I feel about situations like this. Sure, it might be somewhat naive to think that I can somehow save the world or even one person from what appears to be a predetermined fate. And, there’s a part of me that wishes I was little “harder” when it comes to these situations… Take the shot, give him a few rupees, and move on.
I don’t think that’s the right path, though. I don’t want to lose that naivete, that sense that what I do with my camera can and does make a difference. If I lose that, then what’s the point? Why not just shoot professional football games and fashion models? It would certainly pay more.
I don’t know what the answer is. I do know, however, that doing this kind of work is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Balancing my guilt, shame, and emotion with the need to take the shot is something that I imagine I’ll wrestle with for a long time… My success in doing so and my potential success as a photojournalist are inextricably entwined.
Having said all that, I leave you with a couple of my shots from yesterday:
If you’d like to stay up to date with my most recent photos and blog entries, you can subscribe to the RSS feed here or you can subscribe for email updates here.
May 25th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
We had the very same experience in several areas of China during our trip there. My husband and I are both over 6 feet tall. There was actually an amusing pantomine with a monk of Drepung Monastery outside of Lhasa. The monk was quite a bit taller than most others, but he was delighted to compare heights with these two Western visitors who were much taller than him.
As for having a conscience, I would be disturbed if you didn’t find your run in with the boy a dilemma. I think it is about telling a story and doing so with compassion. I think it is appropriate to give to either an individual or an organization regardless of whether or not you’re telling their story in photographs. At the same time, while we ran into many impoverished pilgrims in Tibet, we gave money or food when we could but I didn’t return with any photos. Perhaps in later trips, I will reach my balance, but I decided that humanity and compassion were more important than the photograph that would most likely sit in my vacation photos folder and not see the light of day.
May 25th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Um, wow. The blockquote XHTML tag did not do what I thought it would.
May 25th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Very honest write up, Shawn..
I believe that situation will make you a better person.
I probably would have done the same as you did. I kinda did.
I remember when I got of the bus in Jerusalem and I saw a little girl wearing a school dress and a M16 around her chest. My heart sunk. I wanted a picture but why? I didn’t want to embarrass her. She had a look on her face of misery! It is still instilled in my head!
May 26th, 2008 at 12:33 am
@Alana: Thank you very much… I guess I’ll always wrestle with situations like that. I also fixed the blockquote issue. I hope it looks like you expected.
@Heather: Thank you, as well! Indeed it is a tough situation. And regardless of whether you take the shot or not, those images stay in your head.
May 26th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Hey Shawn-O!
It was in the summer of 1989 that I arrived in New Delhi for what would turn out to be one of the most interesting and introspective three years of my life. The situation you described is very familiar to me - something I encountered practically every day on my way to and from school. A mother with her children - one on each side, clinging to her sari, and one more in her free arm while the other was extended in my direction asking for money. Or a sister, barely in the double-digits, with a sibling in her arm.
I felt exactly the way you did back then. And while I would never dare to compare my random photos from back then with your work these days, over time I did take what seems like a gazillion photos with my Praktica MTL (much to the financial discomfort of my father who dutifully paid for development). But the sort of scene you and I have experienced is something I never captured on film.
Over time I became hardened to these situations…and often hated myself for it. I engaged in all sorts of rationalizing to make me feel better. I still sometimes experience sort of a flashback to those days when I encounter a particularly persistent homeless person asking for money here in DC, or recently in Jamaica. It’s a suit or armor I’d gladly take off if it meant knowing how to deal with and to stop rationalizing.
We’ll chat more over a hookah upon your return and before your next trip. Say Hi to Ben (Who I’m assuming is with you?)!
May 27th, 2008 at 4:10 am
Hi Nico! We’ll definitely get together for some hookah… Hopefully, we’ll get a chance before I head out to the West Bank.
Thanks for the comment! I’m not quite sure how to get over these kinds of situations but, then again, I don’t know if I really want to get over them. It’s tough.
Talk to you soon!
May 27th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Shawn, I think your words truly give us the picture that was missed, I truly appreciate you sharing your thoughts, as I am sure we have all had in the past, but were unable to put into words.
Great Work…..
May 28th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Wow Shawn…very good read. I’m glad you shared your thoughts on this dilemma. It’s very thought provoking and I’m not sure what I would have done in the situation myself.
I think I would have felt like I missed the shot too…
You mentioned that maybe it would bring awareness to the situation and I do think that is very true. If there weren’t photo journalists then how would we know all that we do about the world that we haven’t experienced? It’s real life…
May 29th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Thanks Jen! Yeah, I do suppose that is true… I guess it just doesn’t seem to be a good enough reason when presented with that type of situation. I suppose (and hope) that this is a dilemma I have to wrestle with for a long time.
June 11th, 2008 at 5:23 am
Love the colours in the Mysore Palace picture.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:52 am
lovely mysore palace pic. being a mysorian i have nover seen it so charming, i am downloading this one .. thanx in advance.
N abt ppl staring, i guess Indians have sort of emotionless look .. i wish ppl coming to india would have seen only smiles..
i felt good to see u have compassion, but thank you for not giving any money to the kid, he must have gone to the school the next day, seeing no money in begging.. lot of ppl thing giving money would solve the problem, but just all are running away from bigger responsibility by giving few $/rupee. Hope you dont choose the cheap way to clean up conscience in time.